Diaper Rash: The Real Story

Yes, I'm going to bore you with one more post about diaper rash.  But I think it's important you know what I've been doing the last few days and I'm trying to ignore the fact that tomorrow is my big boy's first birthday since I already started to cry when I put him to bed.

So, on with diaper rash.

First I wanted to share with you what the experts (being my Evan's pediatrician's office) recommend you do:

1. Rinse with warm water: Rinse the baby's skin with lots of warm water during each diaper change.  Wash with a mild soap only after stools (Reason: Frequent use of soap can interfere with healing).  Avoid diaper wipes (Reason: They leave a film of bacteria on the skin).
2. Use protective ointment: If you child has diarrhea and a sever rash around the anus, use a protective ointment (barrier ointment) such as petroleum jelly, A&D or Desitin.  Otherwise these are not needed.  Caution: Wash off the skin before applying.

This all sounds like great advice.  Now, let's see how Ellen implements this on a routine "poopy" diaper change (and I guarantee you my version won't use such technical terms as "anus" or "stool").

1. Monkey walks past and Mommy sniffs a poopy.
2. Mommy starts to walk towards Monkey to double check and Monkey thinks they are playing "chase" so he takes off.
3. Mommy wrestles Monkey to the ground and smells his behind.  Mommy inhales a bit too much and almost passes out.  She slight loosens her grip on Monkey and he takes off.
4. Mommy grabs Monkey, again, and brings him to the changing table.
5. Monkey commences screaming.
6. Mommy places Monkey on the changing table where he promptly turns over.  Mommy puts Monkey back in his back and leans over him and anchors him with her arm.
7. Mommy takes off Monkey's diaper.
8. Mommy uses a tissue to try and get some of the poopy off Monkey's red little behind.
9. Monkey tries to grab the tissue, his penis, the old diaper, anything within reach.  Mommy loses her cool a little bit and speaks harshly to Monkey.
10. Mommy apologizes to Monkey.
11. Mommy pushes Monkey's onesie up under his arms and carries Monkey, under his armpits and far away from her body, to the kitchen sink.
12. Mommy stands Monkey in the kitchen sink and turns on the water to get it warm.
13. Monkey turns off the water.  Mommy turns on the water.  Monkey turns the water to cold.
14. Mommy tries to hold Monkey and his onesie with one hand, and protect the faucet with the other.  Monkey starts to reach for the soap.  Mommy wishes she could grow one more hand.
15. The water is warm and Mommy sprays it on Monkey's behind and man parts (just kidding... I don't call them "man parts" but that sounded too funny).  Monkey is startled and then slowly smiles.  Mommy is disturbed.
16. Mommy shuts off the water and while still holding Monkey, his onesie, and protecting the faucet, Mommy gets soap on her other hand.
17. Mommy lathers Monkey with soap, getting in all the crevices and getting out all the (I know, you forgot it was a poopy... well I didn't) poop.
18. Mommy thinks of happy place so she doesn't have to think about the fact that she is touching poop... with her bare hands.
19. Mommy rinses off Monkey and realizes that yet again she left the dishcloth she was using as a towel in Monkey's bedroom.  Mommy grabs a new dishcloth (for the fourth time that day), wraps it around Monkey and returns to his bedroom.
20. Mommy dries off Monkey's legs and feet and pats dry everything else.  Monkey attempts to roll over and starts crying.
21. Mommy gets a diaper ready but has to let go of Monkey.  He rolls over and starts to grab the petroleum jelly / wipes / monitor / lamp... anything within reach.
22. Mommy picks up Monkey and puts him back on the changing table and then wrestles a diaper underneath him.
23. With the diaper underneath him Mommy then slathers petroleum jelly over anything that is red while Monkey tries to grab his penis.
24. Mommy closes the diaper with her finger still covered in petroleum jelly and tries not to get it anywhere else.
25. While holding Monkey down and not getting petroleum jelly anywhere, Mommy snaps shut Monkey's onesie,.
26. Mommy places Monkey on the floor and cleans off her hands.  She then goes and boils them since they touched poop.
27. Repeat every 2 hours (but not the washing with soap or boiling of hands if there is no poopy).

So, ladies and gentleman, the two little points from Evan's pediatrician have made diaper time a seriously fun experience in my household.  And, when Brian is home I think we get to knock off about 2 steps if he helps me out. 

On the bright side I do believe his rash is getting better. 

And one more thing, if you read this and you know of a better way for me to do something... right now, I just don't want to know.  Because if I've been doing all this for the past 2 days and someone waltzes in and tells me I can skip 20 steps by just doing "x"... bad things might happen.  That's all I'm sayin'...