Monday, March 1, 2010

The Truth (According to Me)

Due to some bad reality TV that I watched last night, I'm just not in the mood today.  I'm not in the mood for pontifications, for poetry, or anything else that flows and has pretty colors attached to it.  Instead, I'm in the mood for the truth.

And so, lucky for you, I've decided to share my truth with you all... about motherhood so far.  Here are my thoughts - feel free to add some of your own in the comments section (if you need help posting, click here).

Motherhood is...

1. Cleaning up poop. I spend a lot of time cleaning the toilets, diapers, and the litter boxes of 4 cats.  There is a lot of poop in my life.  This was not disclosed to me before I became a mother.

2. Cramming your entire day into nap time.  I may get 10 minutes here to load the dishwasher, and 10 minutes there to pick up laundry, but anything I really need to do is delegated to the moments when Evan is asleep.  He gets to nap and I go at warp speed.

3. Being an interpreter.  This cry means hungry, that cry means tired, this cry means he laments the state of the country and the lack of socialized health care (yes... I just used the "s" word) - well, you know what I mean.

4. Oh yeah, and getting the interpretations wrong - a lot.  Turns out that cry really meant "Get me my freakin' pacifier woman, I have teeth shoving through my gums."  Oops, lesson learned.

5. Doing the same thing, over and over again, a lot.  This covers feeding (and all the aspects of feeding), diaper changing, playing with the same 10 toys, singing the same song so many times that you start to dream about them, and completing the same chores every day / week (if you're new to this, buy 50 burp cloths... trust me).

6. Amazing yourself.   For instance, I amazed myself that the day that Evan threw up on me, peed in a giant arc on me, and then literally pooped in my hand I laughed.  Yup, I laughed - and then I cleaned it all up.  I've even heard stories of mom's catching throw-up with their bare hands.  You just won't believe what you will be able to do and what your reaction to it will be.

7. Making deals with someone who doesn't understand the concept. I find myself, saying to my 6-month old: "Just give mommy 5 minutes, and then I'll play on the floor with you". Typically his response is to scream until I get on the floor because, well, he is 6-months old and has no clue what I'm saying.  Or I ask Evan, through the baby monitor, to just play in his bed for 10 minutes while I sleep.  Yeah, he doesn't usually hear that one either.  How odd.

8. Watching cartoons, and even enjoying some.  And let me tell you something, these aren't our cartoons.  Even the ones I should recognize, like Scooby Doo or Casper, look completely different from what I remember.  And, I hope I'm not giving anything away here, but Sesame Street has changed its theme song (apparently to be more hip to today's youth, unlike my youth which was far from hip - it was the 70s).  Thankfully, there is still Mr. Hooper's grocery or the whole thing would just confuse me.  And just don't try and understand Yo Gabba Gabba - you may hurt your brain.

9. Sitting on the floor. Everyone talks about making sure you are in shape to get pregnant and to be able to carry around those extra 40 20 pounds.  What they don't tell you is you should also be stretching because you will be spending time on the floor.  You will lie down and sit down, but either way you will probably be in positions you haven't tried for a few years - and your body will remind you that it has been a few years.

10. Saying "I love you" a bazillion times a day. And being amazed that you actually mean it that many times.  But beware of this one, because you might just have a husband who says things like: "Why don't you tell me you love me all the time?", or "If only you treated me as well as you treat the baby."  You know, the non-jealous things that you might be surprised that fathers say.


  1. Yep, all true. Wait until he's older, and then you won't believe how many times a day you have to ask him to 1) Go faster, 2)Please just finish eating first, 3)Get in the freaking car already, and 4)Oh my god, just please go a LITTLE faster.

  2. I loved this Ellen....the truth is so much funnier than poetry and the other p word you used that I had to sound out b/c I now have mush for brains.....I laughed out loud, and can totally relate...thank you for the laugh today...glad I took a break from cleaning up the garbage that the dog strun across the floor ,and my mt Everest of Laundry to just laugh!

  3. I, too, laughed right out loud and having done this a few times want to add, um-m-m, how should I say this, so you just don't abandon my grandchild're not done yet!!!

  4. just needed to say after your #1 - you'll never believe what that funny little word was that I had to retype - nitypo! Thought it ironic.
    Mom - again